8 of the Funniest Wine Reviews on Vivino
Founded in 2010, Vivino is an app where wine lovers can catalog and rate their favorite — and not-so-favorite — bottles. In its decade and a half of existence, the online hub has accumulated millions of wine reviews, with users sharing their own personal opinions on just about every bottle available on the market.
While many of the reviews are useful for shoppers browsing store shelves or restaurant lists, others can get a bit… unhinged. Some users treat the platform as a chance to share personal stories, while others use it to test out their poetry chops. Some even use Vivino to share pleas for expensive bottles of wine, like one user who left a 5-star review of Domaine de La Romanée-Conti Romanée-Conti Grand Cru, a wine that typically goes for $23,999 a bottle, according to the app, with the note: “I haven’t tried it but if someone wants to send me a bottle please message me 🙂 thxs.”
Anyone who downloads Vivino is bound to find loads of helpful, and sometimes hilarious, content, so we scoured the internet to find some of the app’s wilder moments. Read on to discover eight of the funniest wine reviews on Vivino.
Krug Grande Cuvée N.V.
“Like drinking sparkling lava. Had it with lobster and it was like the lobster didn’t exist.. Loved the wine… Sorry, lobster” —Jeremy Eberhard
Though it might sound ridiculous, sparkling lava is actually one of the better descriptors we’ve heard for this luxurious Champagne. The bready, rich palate comes across as unctuous with notes of vanilla, freshly baked brioche, and toasted nuts. And we definitely agree that it could upstage any crustacean.
Rombauer Vineyards Chardonnay
“I got away from Chardonnay for a while. Went with Riesling & Sauvignon Blanc. But I’ve been intrigued once again. This wine is simply outstanding. Full, refreshing to drink and crisp. Pear apple mango oak tastes. Served nice and cold, at the Enchanted Rose lounge located at Disney’s Grand Floridian resort. After a day of madness at the Magic Kingdom, this was just what I needed. I was exhausted and literally needed a drink (or 3). Perfect. I had 2 more glasses the next evening. Loved it .” —E A
This review really takes the reader on a journey. First of all, though we love Riesling and Sauvignon Blanc, we’re glad this Vivino user is back on the Chardonnay train. Plus, we can imagine all too well the fatigue that hits after a hectic day at Disney’s Magic Kingdom, and agree that a glass of Chardonnay (or three) is the perfect antidote.
Domaine de La Romanée-Conti Romanée-Conti Grand Cru
“Why is it not opaque? Too many flavours that aren’t like Cab Sauv, Amarone, or grape jelly. The alcohol is so low. I have to drink, like, ten sips to suppress the painful existence of my day-to-day life (I recently found out I have IBS while in the grocery store. Luckily I was in the diaper aisle). I gave this wine a 1.5 star out of pity. I think this new producer will eventually learn what Pinot Noir is supposed to be like. They need to learn from the masters at Meiomi.” —Tony Bingbong
Widely considered one of the most expensive wines in the world, it’s no surprise that Domaine de La Romanée-Conti has some of the most polarizing reviews out there. For some, the wine presents a magical, once-in-a-lifetime experience, and for others, it can be a $20,000 disappointment. While this reviewer is likely just trolling, if this comment is serious, they should probably stick to Cabernet Sauvignon in the future. An expensive Burgundian Pinot Noir — a notoriously light-bodied and translucent wine — is never going to deliver those of Cab, Amarone, or grape jelly.
Josh Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon
“If you’re stuck at a chain restaurant for a relative’s birthday meal, you could do much worse. Take it from me.” —Mediamode
While this review doesn’t tell Vivino users much about the wine, it does paint quite a picture. We’ll take this advice to heart.
Las Jaras Wines Glou Glou
“Delightful, buying more. RIP RBG” —Gabriel González-Kreisberg
Las Jaras’s Glou Glou bottling is a popular red blend known for its juicy, fruit-forward flavors, so we totally understand why this user awarded it four and a half stars and called it delightful. Where we lose the thread on this review is the “RIP RBG” note. Seems like something to post on any other social media platform? Or this Vivino user really wants us to know that this is a great bottle to pop while commemorating an iconic Supreme Court Justice.
The Prisoner Red Blend
“A cool breeze on a summer day in a deep valley with waterlilies and butterflies. A pure delight on a memorable night. It’s like sucking on an ice cube after licking a hot stone.” —Al Ellsworth
While we’re all for this Vivino user waxing poetic about The Prisoner Red Blend, the notes are definitely a little out of left field. Does this full-bodied red wine that has dark fruit and vanilla flavors and a bold structure actually resemble a cool breeze or an ice cube? Probably not. And the contrast between the moody, dark label and the imagery of waterlilies and butterflies is priceless. It’s like comparing the Hulk to a small baby frog.
Hampton Water Rosé
“I was in a Bon Jovi cover band for like 5 minutes back in the 80s. Cotten (sic) candy grapes on the nose. Light mouthfeel. Tastes more like a white than a rose. Both soft and acidic. Apple upfront. White fruit through out. Nice.” —Warren Lapine
This review just goes to show that people will always find a way to bring up their old Bon Jovi cover bands. In this case, the singer’s Provence rosé was the perfect excuse.
Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill NV
“I mean, come on. It is what it is. If you’re contemplating drinking Boone’s, you’re trying to get a very specific job done. Boone’s will do that job.” —Blake Thomas
At just under $5 a bottle, Boone’s Farm isn’t pretending to be anything it’s not. And we appreciate the realness that this Vivino user brings to the table.
*Image retrieved from Oleg via stock.adobe.com
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