The Frozen Drink That Should Have Been the Star of ‘The White Lotus’ Season 3 Finale

This story contains spoilers for Season 3 of “The White Lotus.”

The third season of Mike White’s smash hit dramedy “The White Lotus” wrapped up last week and if you haven’t seen it, number one, what are you even doing? It’s been a week! And number two, you might not want to continue reading this as it will most certainly spoil your viewing experience — though maybe not your coconut milk.

Just like seasons past, the tumultuous Thailand installment spotlights the wealthy guests staying at the White Lotus hotel, including the unbelievably privileged and doubtlessly troubled Ratliff family. With U.S. authorities after him for a multi-million-dollar embezzling and fraud scheme, Timothy, the family patriarch, is undeniably the most troubled of the bunch, though there is an entire incest plot to contend with, so it’s all relative.

Hopped up on his wife’s Lorezapam, Timothy comes up with the positively brilliant idea to off his entire family — save Lochlan, the youngest Ratliff — after spending the week-long vacation listening to them talk about how they aren’t “meant to live an uncomfortable life.” His foolproof method? Mixing seeds from the fruit of the poisonous Ping Pong tree into a batch of delicious Piña Coladas for himself, his adoring wife Victoria, son Saxon, and daughter Piper.

And while we appreciate the simplicity and sheer deliciousness of the coconut milk and pineapple concoction (so long as it’s made sans suicide fruit), we can’t help but think there’s a more thematically appropriate drink that could have been utilized here: the Missionary’s Downfall.

If you’ve seen this season, which we’re assuming you have if you’ve made it this far, then you certainly understand its central themes of religion, enlightenment, and spirituality. Especially when it comes to Piper, who quite literally brought her family to Thailand for the purpose of exploring Buddhism at a nearby monastery, only to change her mind on the final day, mere hours before the killer cocktails come into play. The same cocktails that, in theory, would be her downfall — the missionary’s downfall.

It just all would have been so perfect. The combination of white rum, peach brandy, honey syrup, lime juice, pineapple chunks, and mint leaves needs to be blended together, meaning Timothy would have had a reason to use the obnoxiously loud appliance. The acidity of the lime juice and pineapple, along with the sweetness of the honey syrup and peach brandy, likely would have masked the bitter flavor of the seeds — something the Piña Coladas clearly failed to do. And the name! It’s sitting right there. It’s low-hanging fruit! Just like the kind Timothy is so clearly fond of.

While the Piña Colada was likely chosen because of its ubiquity — by comparison, few have heard of the Missionary’s Downfall — the bright green cocktail has gained a bit of popularity lately, especially on the tiki and tropical drink scene. At Brooklyn’s Sunken Harbor Club, chief cocktail officer and VinePair Next Wave Awards 2024 Bartender of the Year Garret Richard serves a souped-up version of the drink fueled by white rum, peach liqueur, and a peach aperitif. Complete with acid-adjusted pineapple or lime juice, rich honey syrup, pineapple chunks, mint leaves, xanthan gum, and a heaping pile of crushed ice, his recipe takes the herbaceous cocktail to new heights, ensuring refreshment with each sip.

So while we stand by our argument that the Missionary’s Downfall would have been the ideal cocktail to really drive the family annihilator point home, we suppose it’s a bit too on the nose for White’s signature style. That and “the mint leaves are off” really just doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as well as “the coconut milk is off.”

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