10 of the Most Absurd Drinking Gadgets Throughout History

For a basic home bar setup, there are a few essentials: a jigger, mixing glass, shaker tin, bar spoon, strainer, hand juicer, and a few nice glasses. But beyond the bare necessities, there is a whole world of fancy gadgets that exist as wants, not needs.

We’re not just talking about cocktail gear. There’s doodads for beer and wine, too, all designed to either solve trivial problems or to get the full potential out of a certain beverage. Popping a decades-old Napa Cab? A decanter might be in order. Lugging a few cold ones to the beach? A cooler is definitely a wise investment.

However, not all drinking accessories are built equally. Some are relics of a bygone era that are of little use today. Some are functional, but wildly impractical. And others are downright absurd. Here, we’ll break down 10 accessories that each fall into one of those camps — or in some cases, all three.

$375 Tiffany Crazy Straw

Credit: Tiffany & Co.

Truly a gift for the person who already has everything, the Tiffany Crazy Straw is made of sterling silver and vermeil, costs a cool $375, and from the looks of it, is a royal pain in the ass to clean. Of course, Tiffany & Co. is world-renowned for its fine jewelry and luxury home goods. Many of its products become family heirlooms, passed down from generation to generation. But any design company that’s been around for almost 200 years, regardless of prestige, is bound to release a few questionable products from time to time.

Bullet-Shaped Whiskey Stones

Credit: Wine and Whiskey Decanter

Although they remain a popular Father’s Day and college grad gift, whiskey stones are pretty much useless. They’ve been responsible for chipped teeth. They don’t chill booze nearly as quickly as ice. And if a drinker is so vehemently against dilution, why not just enjoy whiskey neat? If whiskey stones weren’t already lame enough, nothing says hypermasculine insecurity quite like a glass full of bourbon and chillable bullets.

GoPong Ankle Monitor Flask

Credit: Walmart

Flasks are supposed to be discreet, not worn like a badge — let alone one that implies the wearer is under house arrest. Perhaps the team at GoPong just never got the memo. Then again, maybe they’re onto something here. As the product description states, “Onlookers will be so distracted by your past criminal life they would never dream that you’re actually wearing a flask.”

Martini Stones

Credit: Ebay

History tends to repeat itself. We’re currently in an era when bone-dry Martinis are all the rage, and that phenomenon reached a similar fever pitch in the mid-20th century. As such, a slew of gadgets hit the market in the ‘50s and ‘60s designed to help drinkers add as little vermouth as possible to their cocktails without ditching the fortified wine altogether. Among the bunch, arguably the most absurd was Podam Co.’s Martini Stones, which were little pieces of limestone packaged in a small jar. The buyer was instructed to fill the jar up with vermouth or sherry, store it in their refrigerator, and add the soaked stones to glasses of chilled gin or vodka. Unsurprisingly, their effect was reportedly negligible, and they didn’t look all that pretty, either.

The Beer Helmet

Credit: indigolotos – stock.adobe.com

The beloved beer helmet was born in the 1980s, and made double-fisting brews a thing of the past. It’s essentially a baseball batter’s helmet — or in some cases, a Viking helmet — with compartments on both sides designed to hold beer cans and two tubes that connect the brews to the wearer’s mouth. Two California natives claim to have invented it, and although it remains unclear who conceived the idea first, both made their hats with the intention of allowing sports-loving drinkers to attend games and clap without putting down their beverages. They’re actually quite practical, but there’s no getting around the fact that anyone wearing one can’t be taken too seriously.

The ‘Better TV Viewing Angle’ Beer Mug

Credit: Amazon

The key to any good invention is identifying a problem and figuring out a way to fix it. Although we can’t think of a time when anyone complained about a beer mug blocking their field of vision while watching TV, apparently someone out there has. The ‘Better TV Viewing Angle’ Beer Mug solves this “problem” with its sloped edge, allowing the drinker to sip on a pint without missing a millisecond of their favorite show. If a standard mug is really proving to be that much of an issue, perhaps just drink out of a can or bottle, and spend that mug money on another 6-pack.

The Bloody Mary Tree

Credit: The Fab Foo

Bartenders have been known to go buck wild when it comes to garnishing Bloody Marys. Although traditionally topped off with a celery stick, a lemon wedge, and a few olives, the garnish gamut now encompasses pickles, bacon strips, chicken wings, cheeseburger sliders, and even octopus tentacles. So what is one to do when the cornucopia gets too big for the glass? Invest in a few Bloody Mary Trees, of course. Each comes equipped with six branches, allowing bartenders to doll up their Bloody Marys like putting ornaments on a Christmas tree. It’s not a bad invention per se, but lest we forget that the Bloody Mary is a cocktail, not a smorgasbord.

The Gourmet Martini Tester

Credit: Summer Fruit Cup

Another invention from the dry-Martini-obsessed era, the Gourmet Martini Tester was created by the Minnesota-based Thexton Manufacturing Company in the 1960s. It’s essentially a small pipette with a few colored balls inside. Upon being served a Martini, the drinker draws out a small sample with the pipette, and the positioning of the balls indicate how dry it is. (It’s not totally clear how it works, but one reviewer believes that it measures the gravity of the liquid). There are a few issues with this gadget. First of all, it only tests for three somewhat vague levels of dryness: “regular, dry, and extra dry.” Secondly, why would anyone need a device to tell them how dry their Martini is? That’s what our palates are for. Lastly, nobody wants to befriend the person at the bar testing their Martinis with an eye dropper.

The LiquorStick 2.0

Credit: Pins & Aces

Golf is a leisure sport, so hitting bogeys and drinking go hand in hand. Unfortunately, bringing booze from home to the course is prohibited at any club with a liquor license. And let’s face it: The beverage cart is never there when you want it most. That’s why the folks at golf apparel and equipment company Pins & Aces created the LiquorStick 2.0. The product’s name leaves little to the imagination. It’s a stick that holds up to 750 milliliters of liquid and dispenses it out of a battery-operated pump on top. On the bottom, there’s a ground spike, so it can either be planted right into the golf course green or hidden among the jungle of clubs in any golf bag. The practicality level is high with this one, but the image of someone pouring up a beverage from what looks like a golf club earned it a rightful spot on this list.

The SpinChill

Credit: SpinChill

A contraption that looks like it was pulled right from a rough episode of “Shark Tank,” the SpinChill is essentially a drill that attaches to a bottle or can. Once affixed to the beverage of choice, the user submerges it in a cooler full of ice, and the SpinChill spins the drink, rapidly cooling it down — 20 times faster than simply placing it in a fridge or cooler, according to the manufacturer. There’s also the SpinChill ChillBit for those who already have a drill handy. Based on a handful of consumer reviews, it appears that the device actually works pretty well. It’s just not all that practical. If someone is headed to the beach with beers and a cooler full of ice, they can just combine the two and let conduction run its course while en route.

*Image retrieved from uflypro via stock.adobe.com

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