The Real Housewives of Conspicuous Consumption

The following essay appears in Cake Zine‘s new issue, “Spoiled Rotten,” and is co-published here with permission.

I was three hours deep into Season 4 of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, sprawled out on my couch, laptop balanced on my thighs.

It was supposed to be a ten-minute break from studying the growing regions of Italy for my upcoming Wine & Spirit Education exam. On screen, Whitney Rose and Angie Katsanevas had barely settled into their seats at “Emigration,” which, despite the name, features a largely American menu, when Whitney turned to Angie and asked, “Have you ever had the Justin Cabernet?” I nearly choked on my tea. She couldn’t possibly be recommending the Justin Cabernet Sauvignon that you can get at Walgreens for $22—whose branding is reminiscent of the men’s body wash two aisles over—to a woman who, minutes prior, emerged from a white Porsche 911 with her husband, a $7,000 Cartier bracelet glittering on his wrist.

When there is no limit to what your money can buy, what do you buy? This is the driving question that has made the Real Housewives franchise so popular since it first premiered in 2006. After nineteen seasons across twelve international cities, these women and their purchasing habits offer a fascinating window into how the 0.1 percent view pleasure. It’s hard to watch without wondering what life is like in their Jimmy Choos. If I had endless capital, how would I spend it? 

After years of working in Michelin-starred kitchens and wineries, whenever I have money to burn, which is admittedly less frequent than I’d like, I spend it on the ephemeral: going out to lavish dinners at fine-dining restaurants where I order multiple bottles of wine for my dining partner and myself, waxing poetic about the growing region or grape while their eyes glaze over. If I had endless capital, I would eat and drink it. And yet, I sat there watching these women electing to drink a bottle of wine I used to get hammered on when I was a broke college student—paired with a pale chicken breast atop a wilted pile of equally beige cauliflower.

I first started watching The Real Housewives of New York after an injury that confined me to the hospital and then my couch for weeks. I lived vicariously through them, getting parasocially invested in their drama for hours on end.

I’ve never been much into fashion or glam, the hallmarks of the franchise and fandom, but I’m a certified wine specialist and the Housewives love to drink. Once I started to notice the bottles gracing their dinner tables, ladies luncheons, fashion shows and art openings, I couldn’t stop pausing the screen, trying to make out the label. Whitney’s Justin order initially seemed out of place given its relatively unluxurious price point, but it fits into the broader landscape of the Housewives’ taste in wine. Almost all of the wines they consume are mass-market, often domestic with large distributors around the country. Across franchises and spinoff shows, at group dinners that descend into brawls, the Housewives gravitate toward high-alcohol, high-sugar cabernet sauvignon, usually from California. Even when they stray from that category, they lean sweet. Mary Cosby from The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City espoused the virtues of the 2003 Dom Pérignon vintage to her guests while hosting a Met Gala–themed lunch, where the valet dressed as a beefeater and the ladies entered on a red carpet:

“In 2003 it was a heatwave; 5,600 people died and it made the best grapes of all time,” she said. The women nodded, slack-jawed. By “best” Mary means sweetest, since the heatwave ripened the grapes past their normal picking point, lessening the natural acidity of the grapes and concentrating the fruit’s sugars.